My words echo in my head

This is what I wrote down shortly after I woke up today. It means that I’m still thinking about what I wrote down yesterday, so it probably did matter to write it down.

With this knowledge, I feel like I should take journaling more seriously, though. But I don’t like being serious. I also don’t like that I don’t like being serious, because I’m pretty sure I don’t like it because I have commitment issues. I’m always looking for a way out, in case I need it, even if I don’t and won’t.

To be serious, you need to commit to something. I should be more serious about my life and not look for a way out.

I don’t remember which words were echoing in my head.

I got a Waymo today. I’m not really excited about them anymore—their greatest strength is also their greatest weakness: the experience is too predictable. It won’t be bad, but it also won’t be anything special.

However, today the experience was really bad: the Waymo got stuck in a construction site for a minute or two. I was surprised it even drove into it in the first place. Only half of the street was available because the other half was blocked off by pylons. I’m also not sure the Waymo registered the construction workers who were signaling with their hands that it was okay to drive. What if they had signaled that it wasn’t okay?

Anyway, when it drove into the site, there was a truck that had to move out of the way before we could continue. The Waymo got visibly confused about why there was a truck sideways on the street and started to back up. I think it wanted to turn around because it didn’t want to drive in reverse for more than a few meters. Even though the truck was already off the road, it kept backing up and trying to find a way to turn around. When it started to drive into a gap in the pylons, I got really worried and felt sorry for the construction workers—who probably don’t get paid enough to deal with this shit—and who were also starting to get concerned about what the fuck was going on. I wasn’t sure if the gap was meant for the Waymo to drive into or if it was only for construction vehicles.

Confused Waymo in construction site

Confused Waymo in construction site

When the Waymo stayed there too long, trying to maneuver by driving back and forth but not really going anywhere, I seriously considered getting out and telling the workers that I’m really sorry, but I don’t know what to do since the car drives itself.

However, there is a “call support” button. But before I decided to press it, the Waymo came back to its senses and continued down the road past the truck. Phew.

This experience made me realize that

  1. you can probably easily confuse a Waymo by just surrounding it with pylons

  2. Waymos are yet another way to give up responsibility in our sheltered lives

  3. I would probably still take a Waymo again …

@bitcoinplebdev asked me before Austin LitDevs how my day was. That was nice. I replied that it was pretty normal because I didn’t get much stuff done. That made him laugh, and that made me smile, even though it was really kind of sad, haha.

After LitDevs, I almost asked him if I could buy a cig (or two) off him, because that was around the time I would smoke—or would have already smoked—with @sox when he was still here. After I decided that I was too proud to let someone know that I’m so desperate for a cig that I would give them a pretty good deal just so I don’t have to buy a full pack and smoke too much, even though I like to claim I’m not addicted, I started to consider to buy a full pack. I looked out of the window of PlebLab and kept telling myself:

It’s just one full pack. I can be reasonable with it. I’ll just smoke one or two today, and then let’s see! I won’t buy one again.

I know this feeling of lying to yourself too well. But even when you realize you’re full of shit, you still keep bargaining with yourself:

Why not just give in to the temptation? I’m capable of not smoking for a few months, but I always end up starting again. So it’ll probably always be a struggle. So why fight it? Why not just give up and accept the shitty experience of having smoked a cigarette again—after a few moments of pleasure—rather than suffer through the endless shitty experience of wanting one? Do I really never want to smoke again? Not even at parties? If I’m going to smoke again anyway, why not just smoke one now?? Because it’s going to suck?? BUT IT ALREADY SUCKS. How much more is it really going to suck?? Won’t it be worth it??

And I told people that me smoking a cigarette is even worse, because “I’m not even addicted!”, lol.

After today, it’s pretty clear that I’m totally addicted. I’m just lucky that buying a pack myself is a line I don’t cross very often—because I know I’d totally smoke so much at once, I’d literally throw up…

I did not smoke a cigarette today. I didn’t want to write about it.

A small victory, one of many to come?

I need a framework for writing my journal entries. I can’t stay up for five hours again and completely wreck my sleep schedule just to write a journal entry I’ll find shitty the next day anyway. I need to figure out how to get this done more efficiently without compromising too much on effectiveness. I think asking myself the following three questions will help:

  1. How was my day?
  2. Did I learn anything new, especially about myself?
  3. What did I think about during the day? Anything I would love to read about in the future?

I won’t answer them today though because I already am happy with the amount I wrote so far and I’m not done yet. It’s been 2 hours.

While walking home, I remembered that I had mentioned I should stop dwelling on the past, because that’s what I usually do when I walk home.

If I can’t dwell on the past, what about dwelling on the future??

This year, I want to achieve the following things:

  • PPL(A)
  • CompTIA Security+
  • Good food and workout habits
  • Find someone to get back into climbing with

I really miss climbing. It has a very nice combination of mental and physical challenges and it’s a very social thing.